struggling...

I want to talk, i want to say how bad it hurts, how bad this lupron is making me feel in more ways than one, but i cant, im to tired and words are just not what i have right now....

I know its been a while...

Honestly....this shit is hard. I dont know what else to say at this point. Im down to 91 pounds, really sick, every time i play with my kids every little bump or bruise ends up looking like ive been beaten, My immune system is shot, i have an upper respiratory infection and tonsillitis right now, lets see, what else has been going on, OH and last week i had to face a demon that ive kept in for 25 years about my father and things he did to me, enough said. But my worst fear was not facing him and it, it was the fear of having support after it all came out, and of course my mother and husband are 100% supporters for me, but i had a fear of how my brother would react, he was actually very supportive and told me he was proud of me that i finally let it be known. It was a HUGE weight lifted off my LIFE. Since that night i haven't looked back and the nightmares stopped. That was very emotionally hard on top of all the emotions of this lupron, my husband, wow, he is just the most amazing man to me, he is sticking through this with me, he has to see me go through this, he has to see me sick every day, he has to see these pounds shed off, he is just the strongest person i know. My children are so amazing, my children are miracles, i give them every bit of energy i have, by the end of the day my poor husband gets the tired me, but loves me either way and always makes sure i know that. I always make sure he comes home to clean house, no laundry, dinner, i just feel so grateful of him as any wife would and does. It has been A HELL of a last few weeks, and my next injection is next week, i hope it gets better, just trying to keep my head above water...My family needs me strong and thats the only way ill be.....I got this.

Day 17

 I've skipped quite a few days but its all been pretty much the same, i still have some nausea but its gotten better mainly in the mornings for some reason, my hands have swelling, my rings wont fit :( Luckily my husband and I also have tattoo wedding bands :). I drove a six hour trip this weekend to my best friends wedding shower, and it felt so great to go see my awesome friends and family for a couple days. Its SOOOO great to be back home to my amazing husband and babies, now im off to bed, Picking up my bridemaid dress tomorrow for my Best Friends Wedding! Goodnight!

Fog..

trying to swim to the top, exhausted, out of breath, the harder i swim the more im sinking....

11 and 12

So my doctor suggests i go see a therapist to just talk about what im going through and make sure i stay on the positive side i guess, Well i dont know how many of you see therapists but that was the hardest thing to go through. Not only did we dwell on my health but she went alot deeper than she should have (in my opinion), she brought out things in me from my past that i have faked and hid my entire life, things that are locked away for a reason. Its hard enough battling this shit but to add 25 YEARS of wounds and scars to the mix was just not what i was going for. She said what she did was good, to get certain things out of me, but i feel so angry now, by the end of the night last night i felt so numb i couldnt even get on here to try to vent, i didnt know and still dont know what to say.

9 and 10

Yesterday was alright pretty much the same as the others, today on the other hand has been a hard one. You know people tell you all the time about how to handle this and the emotions you feel, some people go about this the sympathy way, those are the weak. The one and ONLY way to do this, is to be a warrior. The more pain i feel, the more things that happen to my body, the more affects of this i feel, the stronger is makes me. Today was by far the hardest day, but instead of feeling sorry for myself i pushed myself even harder, i pushed my pain to its max, cause there is nothing else i cant handle. This will NOT get me down, this will NOT make me weak, Im the one person this shit should not have picked cause i have no limits, Keep it coming!!!!

Day 7 and 8

I was just way to tired yesterday to get on here yesterday to be honest, i was just so exhausted, my emotions were hard to handle yesterday, that really weighs down on you. But today its mainly the nausea thats rough, my nurse told me to cut a lemon in pieces and put it in a bag and open it when i get the nausea sensation, so ill try and let you guys know if it works :). My stomach hurts alot, but im still 100% about doing this!!! :) Have a great day guys!!